The Blue Cult or The Esoteric Cult of Bluemin, is the fourth and last of the great Abrahamic religions. It believes that the church has wrongly translated the bible. Because the bible is actually written in ancient languages. The First being Autisto-Hebrew (which is a very complex dialect of Hebrew which can only be understood by the highest officials, strangely it’s very similar to Dutch). This has caused a change in the understanding of ancient scripture, in which the word Bluemin was wrongly translated to God, and The garden of Constantinople was made the garden of Eden, etc. The second being Blueminian Greek, which is similar to English. This cult started in the early months of the 2017th year since the birth of Lord Ivan, who had been wrongly identified as Jesus, and has grown to form one of the major religions of the Blue Guard. Because it combines the teachings of the Abrahamic religions it has become a go-to religion for many meme meisters. It has also maintained strong bonds with the Orthodoxy, which it sees as its brother-religion.
The scripture of The Blue cult is the Blue Bible or Esoteric Bible of Bluemin. A rightly translated, shortened and Bluemin approved version of the scripture. It is only to be read by the wisest of men and contains many hidden truths. It is said that only the purest of Mememeisters can read it. Basil II is one of the first examples of using its great powers. As after the battle he showed it to the Bulgarians but their eyes burned out, because they were deemed “not cool” by the bible.
Bluemin created the heavens and created earth from a pancake which was to be his dinner. He also scared away the oceans because he didn’t like them very much. He poked holes in the pancake to create the stars and used his own booty to give light to the earth, which was “Zo’n hete kont” in Autisto-Hebrew but was shortened to Zon. After this Bluemin created plants because he felt like it, because he didn’t want eat veggies he also created animals. Then he got bored and created humans. The first of whom was called Mark Bout, because Bluemin was awful lonely. And He created Theodora from Mark’s ribs. Theodora was hot as fuck btw, but she was misled by the dirty serpent Dandalo, the dirtiest and sneakiest of all demons. So Bluemin banished them from the garden of Constantinople for the sin of eating the Plopkoek of eternal Meme-ing which gave humanity the power to create memes.
One of the more common rituals is the ritual of Girlposting. In which the cultists will post hot girls to please Bluemin and the cultists. It is a practice that is easily understood, for it removes the eternal thirst.
We also have memeposting and memeviewing. The posters are called mememeisters, the viewers are memelurkers. Memes are rated on their dankness, and everyone in the group accepts that Bluemin posts the Dankest Memes. Because he created them.
Crying out for Salvation, this mostly involves the posting of pictures from strategy games, in which they cry out for the recapture of the lands that are rightfully ours. Multiple individuals have declared that they contain elaborate battle plans.
Autistic screeching and Shitposting, are two practices that are often combined. If a cultist is attacked their screech is unleashed. This screech bounces off in the interwebs, where it can be tracked by fellow Blue Cultists. This is then followed up by a wave of shitposts that are bound to trigger anything but the strongest autists.
Discord, is a religious platform, and is mostly used to play holy songs. Warbanding, is the art of playing Warband.
COMMANDMENTS AND PILLARS
The Blue Cult has noticed that the other Abrahamic religion wrongly translated the Commandments and Pillars. First of all they have translated the 10 existing from the Autisto-Hebrew and Ivan has revealed that there were two more. These are the rules of the Blue Cult:
THE 12 BLUE COMMANDMENTS
1) Those whom'st've'd ask for a position, a channel or otherwise, shall be ignoreth
2) Posting pictures of lewd ladies is never something wherefor thou shouldst apologise
3) Bluemin is thine wordly leader, Michael and Sean thine spiritual ones
4) Bluemin doesn't have to explain anything he does
5) Thou shalst not be an anarchist or communist
6) Thou shalst be autistic in whatever thou dost
7) Thou shalst not flirt with fans Bluemin has taken an interest in
8) Thou shalst not steal memes from Brilliant Bizarre Memes
9) Those whom'st've'd ask for removal of a tag, nickname or otherwise, shall be ignoreth
10) Bluemin's will is law, which will be often unfair
11) "Political parties" formeth by Guards carry absolutely no weight
12) Thou shalst love the Byzantine Empire until thine death
7 PILLARS OF BLUEMINIAN WISDOM1 Memeada: There is Only one Meme God, and Ivan is his Prophet.
2 Saladbar: Just like a guy at the saladbar, the Patriarch must give a sermon at least once a week (in text).
3 Zuccad: One must post hot girls to share with fellow cultists. (but if they are too spicy the Zucc will come)
4 Sawmeme: A true clergyman must make at least one meme a year.
5 Hajjsh: You take a pilgrimage with your mind and while you’re stoning, you must listen to the Ploplied and the Pannenkoekensong. You can also do this sober. Must be done at least once.
6 Wurbund: A retarded way to say Warband. This involves being active in at least one of the Warband matches
7 Hottentottenlegertentententoonstellinkjes: You must stand by the Bluemin, and defend him against the enemies of the faith.
Forces of Good
Bluemin- the One True Golden Being
Ivan- His Human Shell and Prophet, who is one with Bluemin, but is separate.
Sean Blanckaert- Patriarch of The Blue Cult
Sicilé Chanson- Co-Writer of the Blue Bible (position to be determined)
Tyrian Guard-The Elite of the Blue Guard
Blue Guard- The Religious Army of Autists who want to recapture Constantinople and Blind Bulgarians
Forces of Evil
Mehmed II- The arch-demon, leads an army of Turks. Worse than Sauron. Satan is even a pretty okay guy compared to this Turkish Supercunt. His people came from the steppe and should have stayed there tbh.
Enrico Dandalo- Major douchebag and traitor, Demon of Treason. Leads a Fleet of Assholes.
The Zucc- A demon of old, feeds on the Salt of people. He can Zucc people in an instant. Great Bluemin and him did battle on the 2nd June 2017.
Salty Bulgarians- A blind race of cavedwelling saltminers. It is said they have a pact with the Zucc, in return for their salt.
Samuel- Not really worth mentioning, Tsar, got rekt
Venetians- Seafaring race of fishpeople, treasonous, think they are descended from Romans
Latins- Evil peasants
Bizarre Byzantine Memes- Also called the Page of The Living Dead, The Really Unfunny Place, Fucking Turco Your Memes Suck, etc.
TO BE EDITED IN THE FUTURE